Can Ed Miliband Count?

According to Wikipedia Ed Miliband has A Levels in Maths (A), Further Maths (A) and Physics (B). This suggests a facility with numbers, and mathematical concepts generally, far in excess of the average MP. So when Ed tells us that ‘New renewable power is now NINE TIMES cheaper than gas’ you would think he would know what he was talking about. But does he? This is an important question as Ed is likely soon to be our Minister of Energy (or Secretary of State for Energy Security and Net Zero to be exact). 

Ed made his claim in August 2022. Judging from his twitter feed he based this on a diagram produced by Simon Evans of Carbon Brief. I had a look at this diagram and I have to conclude that Ed can indeed understand basic graphs and he can also divide one number by another. So perhaps his school education has not gone entirely to waste. 

Evans’ diagram stuck in my mind and I looked forward to vastly cheaper energy bills, having just moved to a 100% renewable supplier. Sadly when my next bill arrived it was not nine times cheaper than before – in fact it was not cheaper at all. Maybe the maths was not as straightforward as Ed imagined? Whatever the reason, this rather depressed me and I began to find my dreams invaded by a spectral Miliband who would harangue me on the joys of anything from electric cars to cavity wall insulation.

In one particularly upsetting dream Ed appeared in my local boozer just as I was having my first sip of bitter. “How much did you pay for that pint” he demanded. ”About a fiver” I told him, though it was none of his business. “That’s not right” claimed Ed, who obviously did not spend much time in boozers “my friend Simon’s chart says its twenty pounds a pint now”.

Jim, our avuncular barman, overheard Ed’s remarks and pitched in with his tuppence worth,

“There were a couple of breweries who tried it on when there was that barley shortage last year, but we just found a new supplier and things soon got back to normal. Who would pay twenty quid for a pint”?

Unabashed, Ed carried on “It’s still a waste of money. You can get eco-beer now for 50p”, he claimed “why don’t you drink that instead?”

Flabbergasted, I collared Jim and asked him why he hadn’t suggested a pint of his cheap eco-beer,

“Well, I heard something about that right enough” he replied, a sceptical look in his eye, “but you might get thirsty waiting for it because he’s talking about the Net Zero brewery – and that hasn’t been built yet”. “But”, I protested, “there’s eco-beer all over the place”. “Aye, you’re not wrong, but that’s the old eco-beer and because its government-subsidised, I have to pay a special tax on it. So it actually works out dearer than my beer”.

Disappointed, I turned back to Ed, “So much for your advice”. But Ed was not to be gainsaid so easily, “Well technically he might be right but soon enough we’ll all be knee deep in basically free beer, you’ll see”. Jim was having none of this. “You’ll be lucky mate, the blokes building that brewery are already complaining about all the additional costs the government is adding”. 

“What costs!” demanded Ed?

“The cost of transporting the beer to the pub for a start”. 

“But that’s included in the price” Ed shot back.

“Not exactly”, countered Jim, gradually realising that Ed might not know the whole story, “Net Zero Beers Ltd wants the government, that is my taxes, to pay for the delivery of their beer”.

“Well, that’s not going to add much is it, it will still be much cheaper than the stuff you sell”, said Ed in a less assured voice.

“More than you think Mr Miliband, because Net Zero beer is quite delicate and will need to be transported in special barrels or it will spoil. So they’ll need to build new trucks – they can’t just use the old ones”.

Ed was scratching his head, pondering his response, when Jim added for good measure:

“And remember eco-beer is all priced in Eco-inflationary pounds”.

“What on Earth does that mean”, snapped Ed.

“It means, Ed,” said Jim, warming to his theme “that 50p is the price you would have paid for Net Zero beer in 2011, if they had made it then. But the price goes up each year in line with all the other booze we sell”.

Ed was beginning to look a little despondent, but suddenly he brightened up again

“Well, that’s as maybe but at least we won’t have to drink your disgusting beer anymore”.

“I wouldn’t count on that” replied Jim, his head shaking slowly from side to side.

“On come on, you’re just being difficult! Why ever not?”

“Because, the brewery will be powered by windmills, so you can only make Net Zero beer when it’s blowing a gale. The rest of the time you’ll still have to drink my disgusting swill.”

“So, you mean it’s still going to cost me a fiver.” Asked Ed disconsolately.

“Actually, no” added Jim in a more confiding tone, “it will cost you a tenner”.

“But that’s daylight robbery” Ed almost screamed.

“Not at all, you see I will have to pay the brewery for my quota of Net Zero whether my customers drink it all or not, and, my own beer will be rationed whenever they make too much Net Zero. So, you see, I will need to put my prices up to compensate for the reduced sales. Otherwise I’ll go bust.

Ed sat staring at me, somewhat perplexed. It occurred to me that perhaps he should also have taken A Level Biology as well as maths; he might then have noticed that he was not comparing apples with apples. I decided to test if Jim had convinced him,

“So how much do you think Net Zero beer will really cost”

“50p” replied Ed. At which point I woke up, relieved to find that it had all just been a bad dream.